Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.