Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
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I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Something Saturday.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Yes my dude
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles