My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Breaking news:
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.