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a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Baller is short for ballerina
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.