The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
You Might Also Like
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Who did it better?
*orders delivery*
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Good Morning.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.