@NotKarma

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

@NotKarma

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

@NotKarma

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

@NotKarma

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

@NotKarma

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

@NotKarma

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.