We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
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“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.