My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Feels
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.