had to share :’)
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Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My neck my back my allergy attack
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
When you’ve simply given up.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Thank you corporation very cool
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
That’s incredible! 👌
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
the only bumper sticker ill allow