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At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
#parenting
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
What my back needs
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Leaving the Barbers like
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!