if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
good for her
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs