i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
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Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie