Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
You Might Also Like
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Tell the colonel to bring it
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
After 35, your body ages in dog years
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.