My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
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Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?