IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
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[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*