There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Two types of dogs.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
i hope my email finds you on fire
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!