Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
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Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”