I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?