Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
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No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
yeah not falling for this one
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?