@NoticablyBacon

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

@NoticablyBacon

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

@NoticablyBacon

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

@NoticablyBacon

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

@NoticablyBacon

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

@NoticablyBacon

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

@NoticablyBacon

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

@NoticablyBacon

Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime

@NoticablyBacon

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

@NoticablyBacon

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single