[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
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“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Breaking news:
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
#milo
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold