My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Driving in Europe vs Canada
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..