Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
When did intentionally misspelling words become a thing? Kewl? Gurl? You know what I dig? Literacy.
Jean shorts on men should be called Danny Dukes. Or Daisy Dons. Or maybe just Poor Life Choices.