Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
<—- homeless romantic
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
R.I.P.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too