Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
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Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”