Get in loser we’re going crying
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Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I laughed at this way too hard.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬