~ gas pumps
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.