@NrouteHQ

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

@NrouteHQ

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

@NrouteHQ

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

@NrouteHQ

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

@NrouteHQ

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

@NrouteHQ

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

@NrouteHQ

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

@NrouteHQ

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

@NrouteHQ

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

@NrouteHQ

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.