[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.