@NurseMurderer

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

@NurseMurderer

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

@NurseMurderer

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

@NurseMurderer

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

@NurseMurderer

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

@NurseMurderer

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

@NurseMurderer

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

@NurseMurderer

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.