Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@NurseMurderer : My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, "all over."
@NurseMurderer: This earthquake was the first time that I've ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
@NurseMurderer: The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
@NurseMurderer: I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90's TV
@NurseMurderer: Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
@NurseMurderer: Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
@NurseMurderer: Am I...are we... is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
@NurseMurderer: Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
@NurseMurderer: If a party with all dudes is called a "sausage fest", I request that we start calling all girl parties "taco time".
@NurseMurderer: Objects in the mirror may appear like you've been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.