I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.