Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of NurseMurderer's best tweets

@NurseMurderer : My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, "all over."

@NurseMurderer: This earthquake was the first time that I've ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."

@NurseMurderer: The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

@NurseMurderer: I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90's TV

@NurseMurderer: Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

@NurseMurderer: Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

@NurseMurderer: Am I...are we... is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

@NurseMurderer: Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

@NurseMurderer: If a party with all dudes is called a "sausage fest", I request that we start calling all girl parties "taco time".

@NurseMurderer: Objects in the mirror may appear like you've been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.