I’ll be mad as hell!
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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!