Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
You Might Also Like
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Great game to play with friends
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom