Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She’s a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.