Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.