Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
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In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Just parrot things
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll