Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
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Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Bread puns are on the rise!
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.