*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Dead sexy!!
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
bro what is going on at twitter
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.