I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
the red hot silly peppers
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking