Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
You Might Also Like
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
just pretend nothing happened
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?