Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.