My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
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Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Xylophonist Shredding It
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.