When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I cleaned out my closet using the “If you haven’t worn it in a year, get rid of it” rule.
So now the only things in my closet are sweatpants and skeletons.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.