This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
You Might Also Like
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Bringing home a sharpie
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.