I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
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Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.