Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
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Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.