Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
You Might Also Like
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?