What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.