Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
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I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Bring back the McRib
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Geez man, take it easy.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.