A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics