@ObscureGent: [Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

@ObscureGent: [Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

@ObscureGent: I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

@ObscureGent: The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

@ObscureGent: Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

@ObscureGent: If you ask a haunted doll if they're possessed they have to tell you.

@ObscureGent: [Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

@ObscureGent: Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

@ObscureGent: [Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.