@ObscureGent

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

@ObscureGent

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

@ObscureGent

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

@ObscureGent

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

@ObscureGent

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

@ObscureGent

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

@ObscureGent

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

@ObscureGent

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

@ObscureGent

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

@ObscureGent

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.