I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
What jugglers do best
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.