Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@ObscureGent : [The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
@ObscureGent: [Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
@ObscureGent: [Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
@ObscureGent: I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
@ObscureGent: The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
@ObscureGent: Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
@ObscureGent: If you ask a haunted doll if they're possessed they have to tell you.
@ObscureGent: [Antichrist emerging from the ground]
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
@ObscureGent: Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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