RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
You Might Also Like
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Bike is short for Bichael.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you